If I Wanted A Sparkling Vampire I'd Bedazzle Spike
by LittleRedAllGrownUp
Summary: Oneshot crack-fic. After Spike has destroyed their ONLY copy of the master piece that is  was  Twilight Bryce and Taylor are out for revenge. You thought Angelus could torture? Wait til you see what these mentally unstable girls do to our favorite Big Bad


**This is purely a crack-fic. In no way shape or form should this be taken seriously. This was the product of a boring day in History with my friend Bryce. We got to talking about Vampires and how we both disliked Stephanie Myers making them _Sparkle_. Then I said if I wanted a sparkly vampire I'd just bedazzle Spike's sexy ass. She then said we should put glue on his chest and throw purple (and pink) glitter on him. Then he'd be a REAL vampire lol. After cracking up like no other I decided to make it a story. So please read and review! **

Spike sat in his crypt nursing a bottle of Jack Daniels as he watched his stories. Being only two in the afternoon he still had hours before the sun went down allowing him to venture out into the world. Well Sunnydale for now, until he could get this damn chip out. Then he could kill the Slayer and all of her annoying little friends.

"Who's afraid of the big bad wolf? Big bad wolf, big bad wolf? Who's afraid of the big bad wolf? Tra la la la la."

The familiar horribly off key singing made Spike flinch involuntarily. To prepare himself for the impending battle to preserve his sanity he downed the half full bottle of Jack as fast as possible. Though he already knew from experience it wasn't nearly enough to save him but before he had time to get another bottle the front door of his crypt was thrown open.

Taylor and Bryce flounced in as if the three of them had been life long friends. Both girls were fully aware that if it wasn't for his chip they would've been dead a **long **time ago but that didn't stop them from enjoying driving the English vamp batty. With none of their friends from their universe to help control the crazy they had to find some outlet. Spike just so happened to be it. Besides Buffy and the others full out encouraged using Spike as that outlet, they all enjoyed watching the results.

"Hey Spiky whatcha—**ohmybejezus **it's Passions! I **love **Passions!" Taylor squealed when she spotted the soap opera, "They took it off the air in out universe before—,"

"Don't you dare!" Spike warned darkly.

Taylor raised her hands in surrender, "Ok, ok. We didn't come here to make you crazy…er."

"For now," Bryce admended, "We left a book here last night and we just wanted to get it before the sun went down and all the creepers come out. Have you seen it?"

"Nope, haven't seen a book," Spike answered his full attention already back to the tv.

"Your sure?" Taylor asked brow furrowed in confusion, "I could've sworn we left it here, I pratically destroyed our room and it's most defiantly not in either of our lockers."

"It's a hardback book with a black and red cover. Oh! There's a picture of a girl with really weird nails holding a red apple awkwardly on the very front," Bryce descriped the cover as her eyes scanned the crypt for said book.

"I haven't seen Twilight now piss off!" Spike growled his tolerance for them was wearing thin.

The two girls shared a glance before looking back at Spike suspiciously.

"We never said it was called Twilight….What did you do Spi—,"

"Noooooo!" Taylor screamed in pure agony as she bolted across the room falling to her knees, "No! No! No! No! No! Edward speak to me!"

Bryce was by her side in a second staring down in horror at the torn shreds that use to be their favorite book. The only copy they had in this universe. Giving the same soul shattering cry her friend gave moments ago she fell to her knees.

"My poor Jacob! Gone forever! And I never even got to say goodbye."

Taylor glared at Bryce, "Screw Jacob! Edward is ten times the man Jacob will ever be and he's dead!"

"Well at least Jacob doesn't want to EAT Bella!" Bryce countered.

"At least Edward doesn't smell like a wet dog!"

Bryce glared at her for a moment trying to think of something clever to retort with. When nothing came she said the first thing that came to her mind.

"Edward killed Bella with his demon spawn!"

Taylor gasped at the accusation, "Take. That. Back!"

"Never," Bryce hissed meeting her friend's cool glare with her own.

The two teenage girls sat on the floor of the crypt completely focused on the issue at hand with a hundred percent of their energy. It was almost like the fact they were argying in the home of a former master vampire and the self proclaimed big bad. All that mattered was defending the honor of the fictional demonic characters they were respectively obsessed with. Spike however had not forgotten. Their arguing over that…thing that didn't deserve to be called a book (**in his literary**) had distracted him from the end of his stories, so now he'd have to wait 'til tomorrow to find out what happened. Though it wasn't all in vain. The way the two of them were glaring at each other promised pain and blood. Maybe if he was lucky they'd wind up killing each other.

Their glaring game continued for a little longer before Bryce raised her elbow.

"Weinus war?"

Taylor raised her own in reply, "Weinus war."

Spike's hope of death and even the tiniest bit of blood went out the window as the two fo them engaged in what Spike could only assume to be a "Weinus War". As he watched the two of them go at it he couldn't help but wonder if all the people from their universe were this stupid or if they were just special cases.

The Weinus War of Taylor and Bryce was so epic that human words do it no justice. But within five minutes the two of them called a truce on the mutual aching in their arms. With a friendly hug and a reconfirmation of their love in a purely platonic way they turned their attention to the murder of their precious book. Physical violence was completely out of the question, even with his chip keeping them safe from being harmed by him neither girl really had the heart to beat him up, especially Taylor. So that left them with only mental torture which both girls were more then ok with.

Spike wasn't gonna know what hit him.

"So besides the obvious reason of being a neutered vampire with no friends is there a reason you maimed my book?" Taylor asked as she carefully gathered the pieces of said book hoping Willow could mend it magically.

"That is not a book," Spike took another gulp of Jack Daniels, "That is an insult to vampires every where. Sparkling vampires my ass. I'd rather fry then sparkle."

Bryce and Taylor exchanged glances as an unspoken plan formed between them. This was gonna be **awesome**!"

"I totally agree with you Spike. In fact I told Bryce one day when we were in class that if vampires were real they'd probably kill Stephanie Meyers for such an slur."

Spike nodded, "Damn straight we would. Only it'd be slow and far beyond any pain your human minds could comprehend. That shit is worse then what that drunk Irish idiot came up with."

Taylor nodded solemnly her pale face the perfect picture of the sympathy. Bryce on the other hand was not impressed.

"Whatever, your jest jealous because werewolves are cooler."

"Have you ever met a werewolf pet?" Spike asked with a quirked eyebrow.

Bryce shook her head, "But I don't need to. I can feel their awesomeness."

Spike shook his head at the Bryce logic, he had learned long ago there was no point in arguing with her. It was a waste of his unneeded breath.

Taylor on the other hand had either failed to grasp this concept or just didn't care. She always had a comeback ready and today was no different.

"Why would a kick ass vampire like Spike be jealous of a mangy mutt." Spike smirked a little the comment boosting his ego. He knew there was a good reason for toleration the redhead, "Even if he is a bite-less vampire."

Spike growled, "Do you always have to bring that up."

"Yup," Taylor nodded before moving on, "Why do you think wolves are better?"

"That's easy their buff!"

Bryce's decleation had Spike choking on his whiskey which created a rather unpleasant burning sensation. These girls were off their rocker.

"Vampire are buffer,"

"Nuh-uh,"

"Yeah-hu,"

"Nuh-uh,"

"Yeah-hu,"

"Nuh-uh,"

"Yeah-hu!"

This was a different kind of Bryce vs. Taylor war that Spike had grown fairly accustomed to. Though it was just as pointless and equally stupid as their "Weinus War" he somehow found it to be more annoying. Thankfully he had a lot of whiskey in his system now which helped in tuning them out.

"Prove it!"

"Fine I will! Spike take off your shirt."

Even through the fog of alcohol Spike was still able to register what Taylor was demanding of him.

"What the bloody hell for?"

"To prove to Bryce once and for all that vampriers are buffer then werewolve," Taylor explained as if it were completely natural, "If you do we'll leave you alone for the rest of the day…and night."

Maybe it was the alcohol or maybe it was the promise of a Bryce and Taylor free night but for some reason he found himself taking off his shirt.

That was his first mistake.

As soon as his shirt was gone he felt something cold and wet being splirted on his bare chest. Opening his eyes he was shocked to see Taylor rubbing white stuff all over his chest. It took his mind a second to register that it was glue. By the time he did it was too late.

"Now Bryce!" Taylor shrieked.

With amazing speed and unusual accuracy Bryce threw a bag full of pink and purple sparkles they had swiped from art class hitting the vampire square in the chest.

"Now he's a **real **vampire! Run!" Bryce yelled before bolting out the door followed by a cackling Taylor.

Spike stood shirtless in the middle of his crypt with sparkles glued to his chest trying to figure out what the hell had just happened. When it all finally registered he cursed their souls to hell and added them both to his hit list right after the Slayer. They were gonna die slowly…very slowly…

* * *

Buffy's head popped up away from the movie she and Willow had been watching in the living room when Taylor and Bryce walked through the front door.

"Where have you two been?"

The girls shared a look before matching evil grins crossed their faces.

"We bedazzled Spike."

"It was epic."

* * *

**So that's the end. Sorry for any grammatical errors my Grammar-Nazi has been slacking off on his job and I really wanted to post this to see if people OTHER then my friends liked it. So PEACE!**


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